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Suz's
Famous-In-Three States Ribs....
OH, NO!
That's the wrong picture of Suz's ribs! YUCK!
How disgusting!  |
and our latest invention, Tube O' Tuna, just squeeze and
eat... |
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Here
we go, this is what the ribs really look like...and when you
cook 'em all night, and all the next day over a slow fire, they
are t-e-n-d-e-r! |
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SECRET RIB RECIPE IN 27 EASY STEPS |
| 1.
First, you locate a happy pig. Make sure he's good
natured, cause cranky, ornery ole hogs make for wicked tough
ribs. |
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| 2.
Next, sneak up on the pig and kill him. Dead. He
won't be so happy now, but it don't matter. The ribs
are the parts between the front legs and the hind legs, on the
sides and on the back. If you happened to get a dwarf pig,
you'll wind up with short ribs. |
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| 3-5.
We'll skip the gory butchering details, but be sure to cut the
head off and take the guts out...if you don't, folks tend to shy
away from the results. |
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| 6-9.
Ok, now you got yer ribs. If the above is too much
trouble, just drive down to the local gas station and flash your
cleavage at the nearest village idiot and get him to lead you to
the grocery store....where you can buy ribs already whacked up
'n ready to cook. |
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| 10-12
Now you got to spice 'em up with a dry rub. Mix together a
whole bunch of rosemary, diced garlic and onions, red pepper, a
teensy bit o' cumin, and some other spices. Iffen you got
hangnails, that red pepper is gonna burn some. |
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| 11-15
Bring yer own spices, cuz you can't depend on Ike to have Eye of
Newt on hand. Don't forget the rosemary, but if you add
parsley, sage and thyme, you're gonna have yourself a folk song
instead of a mess o' ribs. |
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| 16
Now, go ask John to build you up a nice hot fire. Keep a
watchful eye on him cuz that boy's a firebug and he'll burn the
whole camp down around your ears if he gets carried away with
the Coleman fuel.... |
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| 17
Get Tom to braise the ribs for ya. Men like to sear big
chunks of red meat over an open flame, kind o makes 'em feel
like cavemen. |
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| 18-20
Now's a good time to have yourself a beer or a margarita.
Pace yourself, cuz this whole ordeal is gonna take about 3 hours
and you don't wanna get so shitfaced you fall in the fire or
sumthin. |
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| 21
Now ya got to mix up your sauce. Get six large bottles of
BBQ sauce, don't matter what kind...dilute it down with a gallon
or so of fresh pumped well water and what's left over from your
beer. |
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| 22
Put the ribs in the sauce and boil the living hell right out of
'em. This'll take about an hour or an hour and a half,
dependin' on how hot John built up the fire. This is called reducing
the sauce...and is best done while increasing
the alcohol content in your bloodstream. |
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| 23
You can pass around samples to folks that are starting to get
ugly from hunger pangs. |
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| 24
You might want to get the fixings ready--toss the corn in the
fire and get out Ike's mother's potato salad, the one that don't
have enuf salt in it. It's real good potato salad and will
stave off the irritable hungry folks waiting for the ribs. |
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| 25
Now you got to strain the whole mess. Personally, I use
the business end of Cousin Bubba's overalls, which accounts for
the lovely amber color and heady aroma of the sauce. |
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| 26
Get Tom to get hisself some hot coals on the hibatchi, cuz he's
gonna have to braise the ribs AGAIN...he might bitch about it a
little, but he'll do it. This final step seals in the
sauce and browns the ribs up real nice. |
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| 27
Set the table with paper plates, cuz after all this rigmarole
you ain't gonna feel like washing a bunch of greasy dishes
afterwards. Put the Bubba sauce in bowls fer dippin' yer ribs. |
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| By
now, folks ain't feeling no pain, so get 'em gathered up and
seated almost upright at the picnic table and feed 'em.
Don't let 'em lollygag about, cuz the ribs'll get cold.
(lollygag--ain't
that a lovely word? Means to hang around uselessly,
although it does sound more like an oral sex act gone horribly
awry...)
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| Fer
Gosh sakes, don't lose track of what step you're on, or y'all
hafta start all over from the beginning. Enjoy your ribs! |
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The Legend of the Tube
o' Tuna
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 This
is an example of how a culinary screwup can become a tasty treat
for an afternoon river run. We put WAY too much Miracle
Whip in 2 cans of tuna fish, and it got awful sloppy. We
took the bread with us in a dry bag, and it sorta got squashed
along the way. So, we figgered we'd drip the tuna slop
onto the bread in the bag, then squeeze the bag and eat.
Works pretty slick! It ain't the prettiest thang you'll
ever partake of, but it fills up that empty spot. Ike and
Shawn used the leftovers as chip dip. And in a pinch, you
can smear a dab of this on a fishhook and use it as bait....
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